Pathfinding

I've always shied away from the use of threshold imagery to describe life choices: closing the door, but opening a window, etc. The decision making process is so much more biological, fractal even, that the illusion of some sort of binary, yes-no process makes little sense.  One day, while agonizing over a decision I thought would be life-changing, I starting picturing tournament brackets gearing down toward the final outcome.  It didn't help.

I think what I missed, and many of us ignore, is the illusory nature of time.  Our perception, though we fight against it, doesn't give us the benefit of any future certainly, so we run , screaming to the past to help us predict an outcome which allows us to be smarter, faster, better and safe.  Sometimes it works, though more often than not, it renews old assumptions and prejudices, reinforcing synaptic patterns that never really served us well, but do offer familiarity--greasy comfort food for the soul.

I'm facing some tough decisions in the coming year. It would be wonderful to be fully present during those decisions, my mind opening to the radiant light of thisness, but that will likely  not be the case.  I'll be stressed, angry, intensely demanding, and generally unlovable.  I will have moments of calmness, insight, and joy.  I will be all over the map.  I hope the warning lights in my consciousness start blinking at those times and I return to my self.  I hope that I can find the strength to just sit down and stay down until I can remember that all I really have going for me is breath, love and this moment.